No more hidding!

If you have noticed I don't blog as much, but I've been holding back on my writing because a lot I have to write about is my personal life. I was keeping everything for me, so I dont put the identity of my partner out there. But honestly I reached a point where I cant hold it back anymore.

A lot is going through my mind and I need to write about it and how I feel right now. I'm sure he will understand...I hope!

As you know I met somebody in January, I was not prepared for that and I would even say not looking for anybody either. We did everything in the proper order, seeing, dating each other. In the past couple of weeks now, it's obvious that we have moved to the next step. We are a couple..LOL..it makes me laugh, because I was so scared of the word relationship. I so didn't want to make the same mistakes. But honestly, I truly believe I wont, just because everything is flowing and it's a natural relationship.

Last night, a big step was done, he met mom..I was nervous like hell, first time it ever happens to me. Usually I don't care! But this time I wanted everything to be perfect. My fear was to introduce him to my mother and that in a couple of weeks from now he would brake the relationship, because it's not working out. I'm putting a lot of pressure on my shoulder and most probably on his. As pathetic it sounds, I want him to be the last one that my mom meets, I want our relationship to work out basically.

You know when you feel it's right!! You don't want things to stop, you just want them to grow in this relationship with the bad and good things. Last time I felt this way it was 11 years ago, I was madly in love with a wonderful men, that made me the women I am today. We decided not to pursue this relationship because we lived in different countries and it was to hard to deal with that. Well guess what? I feel exactly the same about my man right now. It feels so good to have those feelings again. I never thought it would be possible.

I have to pinch myself sometimes to realize I'm not dreaming. He does exist, he's real, he's all that to me. Would I say " I love you" to him, I'm not there yet. I'm a romantic girl, so I guess the right moment will show up eventually. It's not something that you say just like that, you have to feel it and mean it when you say it. I don't like it when it becomes an habit. You know those couples that says it everyday "freakin" day, or before they hang up the phone, I hate this pattern. It doesn't have the same impact then when it comes truly from the heart once in a while.

I have to thank my mom as well...I told her all the truth about where I met him and what does he do for living. Not for a second she judged him upon the information I gave her. She accept him as he is, and for me this means a lot and makes the realtionship so much easier. I think he is quite happy about that to. He doesn't have to justify anything and he's able to be himself around her. Am I experimenting the best of the world right now? I think I am, and pretty lucky about it.

So....

To you sexy man,
You are amazing to me and thanks for giving me those butterflies in my stomach, I thought they would never come back in my life.

Private schools and mini skirts

Here I am sitting in my car waiting for my mom to finish work and drop her home...

Tons of students from high school are walking down the street. I'm looking at those girls with their school uniforms. White shirt or blouse, with the plaid skirt....but wait is this really a skirt????

I can see their legs, the knee and up to thigh...Gees, no wonder people fantasize on school girls!!!
It's windy out there and cold, I counted about 10 girls that showed their asses, because the wind is lifting their skirts. Oh yeah! I almost forgot I stopped counting after 7 men in their car driving, most probably father themselves, having a look twice to thoses girls.

I'm totally disgusted..It makes me wonder, why do they make those skirts so short, they attract perverts. Call me old fashion, but as much I would love my kids to go to private school I would never but never tolerate the uniform. My parents never allowed me to dress sexy until I was 18 if I remember correctly . So why should allow my daugther to dress like an object of desire. They are going to school to learn what is life all about and to come back home with a feeling they have learned something and they can become somebody without any stereotypes.

It does not make sense to me that girls has to dress this way, what about pants??? or longer skirts?? There is predators everywhere, why give them the opportunity to act?? Why teach those young men, that a 15 year old girl can be desirable....

I know I'm old fashion, not on everything, but this really gets to me...

Men vs Women

I read a blog this morning and it made me think about the subject...So here is my point of view on what I read. I apologize to the blogger , I dont want to copy cat your post but i find it really interesting..:D I know you will forgive me!!!

So basically the subject is in regards man and how they start with less point then women!! Oh shit I feel already people screaming at me, WTF freakin feminist...Take a breath I'll explain what I mean by that..and I'm far from being a feminist let me tell you..especially as a sub!!

Don't you ever realize that no matter what, a man is judged right from the beginning, either in a situation of first date, a friend talking about somebody she is seeing , a futur brother in law or an eventual son in law! You get the picture???

Without even knowing the guy, the first thing that comes to mind is: Is he honest, is he respectful, he might be a jerk, is he faithful, is he a player...

So instead of being at the same level as a women and building a relationship at the same paste, the man has to work harder to proove that he is not all of the above. The slight little thing that he will do wrong, we will analyse it and systematically condamned him and think his a jerk!!

But us, girls, we are so much worst to actually judge them and think tha they are all the same. And like the blogger said in her post, girls are easily forgiven for the same mistakes. They dont know how to be anymore, they dont feel they have room anymore to act as a real man..We castred them, with our believes and by putting them all in the same jar.

In the society we are evolving in, women are even worst I believe. They are expecting to much, and they want the cake and the cherry on top. Why dont you look at yourself and see what you have to offer??!!! Stop tagging and judging the men that comes in your life. If you do so, you will feel so much less pressure on your shoulder and you'll stop to be scared of the "if" situation:

-If he's unfaithful
-If he stop loving me
-If he's not a good father
-If he hurts me

And by stopping asking you all of those questions, your other half will feel that he is able to be himself and dont ask him to justify who he is, you take it or leave it. Don't ever think you will change somebody. Stay true to yourself and people surrounding you, will be!!

Human being reacts to pressure, to emotions so when you are evolving in a unhappy situation, you make mistakes, you try to do whatever is to your best knowledge!!! We all make mistakes, but it doesn't make the person we are...

Do you absolutely need a man to proove you who he is with his past?? Why dont you look at him and instead of judging, ask youself this question : What can we be together!!!??

Par ou commencer!!

Honnêtement je ne sais pas trop où ce "post" va m'amener mais étant d'un naturel spontanée qui vibre d'émotions intensement, cela risque d'être un mélange de passion et d'ennivrement. Depuis mon premier amour je n'ai jamais su comment aimer. J'ai aimer, mais jamais de la bonne façon. Je ne savais pas comment m'y prendre, ni comment gérer mes émotions. J'ai frappé plusieurs murs, je me suis toujours embarqué trop rapidement ou encore sans réfléchir. La première raison étant que j'ai toujours détesté être seul.....Mais quel erreur, la personne la plus importante est soi même, puis il faut savoir s'aimer pour être aimer. Tout le monde est conscient de cela, mais ne l'applique pas nécessairement. Plusieurs personnes ce heurtent et se blessent en croyant avoir trouver la bonne personne. Moi la première, je me suis souvent cogner la tête contre le mur, en me répétant mais quel naïve, mais pourquoi je suis tomber en amour avec lui...

Je suis malheureusement le genre de personne qui doit frapper un mur plusieurs fois avant de réagir. Je suis tellement une passionnée et je me laisse emporter par l'ennivrement facilement. Suite à ma dernière rupture, il y a un déclic qui c'est fait, je crois que j'étais déjà en processus de comprendre bien des choses, mais la rupture n'a fait que confirmer ce que je commencais à comprendre. Puis il y a eu l'acceptation et le premier pas dans cet univers de sexualité alternative. J'ai toujours su qu'il manquait un truc dans mes relations, j'ai réaliser que je suis dominante dans ma vie de tout les jours, mais quand il en vient au sex et à l'amour je deviens vieux jeu en quelque sorte. J'ai besoin que l'homme prenne la place qui lui revient et moi la mienne. J'ai besoin de me sentir désiré, voulu et qu'on me prenne avec une telle envie.

Mon comportement à drastiquement changé depuis que j'accepte cette réalité, je me sens femme et je suis tout simplement moi. J'ai toujours été independante, mais aucune de mes relations me permettais de l'être. Je m'accrochais comme une sangsue à mon partenaire. Pourquoi????? Parce que je n'étais pas heureuse dans ce que je vivais, alors je me fesais croire que c'est ce que je voulais...Pathétique n'est ce pas??? En très peu de temps j'ai compris qu'il n'y avait que moi d'important, sans devenir complètement égoïste bien sur!

L'être humain à une grande capacité de s'auto-détruire avec des interprétations, des mais, des peut-être, mais il a aussi la capacité de grandir et devenir vraiment ce qu'il est! J'en suis rendu à cette étape, c'est si bon de se sentir forte et soi-même...Cet année est une année de changement pour moi et je m'étais fait une promesse de penser qu'a moi, puis de prendre du temps pour moi!! Donc inévitablement je ne voulais personne dans ma vie puis les gens qui me connaisse savent très bien que quand je prend une décision je la respecte....

BANG!!!! Je me suis fait avoir à mon propre jeu il y a un peu plus de deux mois maintenant!!! Par conséquent, je suis différente, mon comportement n'est pas le même. Je me sens libre.... Libre d'être enfin moi, libre de ne pas le retenir et de ne pas avoir le besoin de faire ainsi, libre de mes sentiments, libre de lui faire confiance....La confiance pour moi est une des choses les plus difficile à atteindre, pour de multiples raisons, puis j'y arrive très naturellement, du moins mieux qu'avec mes anciens copains...Le dialoge, l'échange, les conversations n'on jamais été aussi facile et naturel avec quelqu'un. J'arrive à exprimer tout ce que je veux et lui aussi...c'est déroutant.

NON et non je ne fais pas les choses rapidement, au contraire du passé. Tout c'est fait tranquillement et dans la norme des choses. Je me rends compte que tout cela est tellement plus sain et équilibré. C'est magnifique ce sentiment réel de ne pas s'attendre à rien et de laisser les choses se développer, sans questionnement, sans stress mais avec confiance.

Je me sens légerte , merci à toi, cet homme qui me rend femme, qui me sent et ressent ma valeur. Je n'arrive toujours pas à exprimer la nature et à quel point mes sentiments sont justes, mais le temps le fera. Ces nuits et journées passées ensemble sont d'une qualité rarement vécue, mon coeur s'ouvre un peu plus à chaque fois car tu sais si bien le pénétrer sans le brusquer...J'admire ta confiance en toi et celle que tu as en moi, ne la perd surtout pas....

Tes bras vont me manquer cette semaine......ainsi que les yeux que tu poses sur moi à chaque fois....Tu me parles à ta façon et cela m'ennivre....

Moi qui n'y croyait plus ou plutot qui n'en voulait plus, tu m'as bien jouer un tour...

Shibaricon

Maintenant depuis lundi je me peux plus...Je vous le jure, je suis comment un enfant à qui on à donner la bonne nouvelle qu'on l'amène à Disney World!!!!!

Je participerai à la convention de bondage à Chicago en mai (Shibaricon). Je passerais donc 4 merveilleuses journées à subir et vivre de la suspension et du bondage...WOW. Ce sera une expérience des plus extraordinaire, vraiment je suis sur que vous ne pouvez pas comprendre et sentir l'excitation que je ressens. Depuis ma venue dans le BDSM j'ai été attiré par cette pratique. Elle m'est très mystérieuse et à la fois tellement réconfortante. Me retrouver avec les pros de cet art me fait complètement halluciner. Je croyais que mon dégré d'excitation diminuerais, car la décision s'est prise lundi soir, mais non détrompez-vous c'est de pire en pire. Je ferais le voyage avec des gens du milieu, et je vous garanti que se sera un des plus beau voyages que j'aurai fait.

Je trépigne de joie depuis lundi...mais vraiment tout va bien en ce moment dans ma vie, parfois j'ai envie de me pincer pour y croire. Est-ce que tout ce bien qui m'arrive est enfin un redevance de la vie qui m'a fait suer depuis les 15 dernières années. Merci à toi, la vie, qui à enfin compris que j'ai aussi droit à ce bonheur et cette plénitude. Je tiens particulièrement aussi à remercier Lapin blanc, car sans toi je n'aurais jamais fait le saut dans cette univers. J'ai rencontré un ami, un confident et une personne extraordinaire qui s'est démontré patient à mon égard. Sans toi je ne vivrais pas toute ces expériences et en plus GRÂCE à toi, mon coeur est pris envers une personne que tu m'as fait découvrir..

Merci mon ami, mon confident, mon épaule et sans oublier ta patience...

Cancer

Before I even start my post I have to explain the situation so you can understand what will follow;

Sunday I went to see my dad, I have'nt seen him since january 1st, and my uncle now lives there. My dad is taking care of him, because my uncle is having chimiotherapy. My dad is in a process of chimiotherapy as well for Leukemia. My dad has been in a relationship for the past 11 years now, with the same women, she has a son of 19 years old and he has a daughter of 14 months...You get the picture now???

Tonight I went for supper with my mom, I really did not feel like cooking after my really busy day at work . And I was telling her, how daddy is just a wonderful grandfather and I found that hard at the beginnning to accept that he's a grandfather , not of my child but of the child of is adopted "son" (not that he his legally his father). But I understand that little sweet kid, she his just amazing, is not responsable for the fucked up life she his brought into (because of her dad).
The kid loves my dad, she's after him and his the only one able to feed her with a spoon..:D
He showed me the quality of a great grandfather he his...I was totally amazed, I guess he is trying to compensate for the fact that he was not that of a great father. Dont give me wrong I'm not bitter about my dad, I love him to much for that...

So there I am talking with my mom about all of that, and I said to her

(Me)-Mom, sunday when I walked into dads house, I felt the death. I think my uncle wont go through the chimio! It was weird, the feeling I had..

(Mom)-Well I think your right. your uncle is way to deep in his cancer. You should go there more often to see them. You never know when your dad will die!

I'm speechless at this point, I never thought about my dad. What I felt in this house, when I walked in, it was death..I know for a fact! But my dad is so strong, he always been the man of the situation. Nerver destabilized. But it's true, the days are counted as well for him....

Am I denying this. Am I trying to convince myself that he' still gonna be around for the next 20 years. Right now I'm sad and annoyed at the same time. Why is life so hard sometimes. I keep having those images of my dad with his granddaugther and I'm mad. Mad about myself, of not being able to give him a grandchild of my own. Will he stay alive long enough for me to give him this wonderful gift. The chance to be the grandfather of my own kids. To see this smile and this hapiness of having a kid in his arms, MY kids.....

Everything is spinning right now, I realise how life is short and unfare sometimes. The only thing I can do right now, is to give him as much love possible and be beside him as often possible. Never again I'll be so long without seeing him. Somewhat he's a strenght for me...

Helpless

I hate this feeling where you would love to do something for somebody that you care for, but you are just helpless... Especially when you cant be close to that person. I'm  bad with words, but so much better with actions...

I like to confort somebody with my smiles, my hugs, being sweet and understanding.. but when you cant, I feel frustrated and I tend to feel even more the pain or the sadness of somebody. I get really emotional with certain things, but it never shows when it's time to be strong...

I feel helpless right now, but remember my heart and my thoughts are with you, no matter what...