Cancer

Before I even start my post I have to explain the situation so you can understand what will follow;

Sunday I went to see my dad, I have'nt seen him since january 1st, and my uncle now lives there. My dad is taking care of him, because my uncle is having chimiotherapy. My dad is in a process of chimiotherapy as well for Leukemia. My dad has been in a relationship for the past 11 years now, with the same women, she has a son of 19 years old and he has a daughter of 14 months...You get the picture now???

Tonight I went for supper with my mom, I really did not feel like cooking after my really busy day at work . And I was telling her, how daddy is just a wonderful grandfather and I found that hard at the beginnning to accept that he's a grandfather , not of my child but of the child of is adopted "son" (not that he his legally his father). But I understand that little sweet kid, she his just amazing, is not responsable for the fucked up life she his brought into (because of her dad).
The kid loves my dad, she's after him and his the only one able to feed her with a spoon..:D
He showed me the quality of a great grandfather he his...I was totally amazed, I guess he is trying to compensate for the fact that he was not that of a great father. Dont give me wrong I'm not bitter about my dad, I love him to much for that...

So there I am talking with my mom about all of that, and I said to her

(Me)-Mom, sunday when I walked into dads house, I felt the death. I think my uncle wont go through the chimio! It was weird, the feeling I had..

(Mom)-Well I think your right. your uncle is way to deep in his cancer. You should go there more often to see them. You never know when your dad will die!

I'm speechless at this point, I never thought about my dad. What I felt in this house, when I walked in, it was death..I know for a fact! But my dad is so strong, he always been the man of the situation. Nerver destabilized. But it's true, the days are counted as well for him....

Am I denying this. Am I trying to convince myself that he' still gonna be around for the next 20 years. Right now I'm sad and annoyed at the same time. Why is life so hard sometimes. I keep having those images of my dad with his granddaugther and I'm mad. Mad about myself, of not being able to give him a grandchild of my own. Will he stay alive long enough for me to give him this wonderful gift. The chance to be the grandfather of my own kids. To see this smile and this hapiness of having a kid in his arms, MY kids.....

Everything is spinning right now, I realise how life is short and unfare sometimes. The only thing I can do right now, is to give him as much love possible and be beside him as often possible. Never again I'll be so long without seeing him. Somewhat he's a strenght for me...