Dancing

I use to take dance courses and I failed badly..Lol. I cant let go, really hard to lead me. Last night i was looking at two friends of mine dancing and it was just great and fun to watch, and suddenly something hit me. I clicked!! I know why I cant be lead, I need trust, I need confidence in my partner, just like in friendship or love. I need to feel as well that my partner is a real men, that he knows how to drive me...

Really weird, but when I dance I want to feel like a women, like if trough the dance my partner shows me how much he want me, and how much he his confident enough to lead me. That he is not afraid of my moves, that he will be able to still dance even if i get it wrong. That he wont be destabilise by me...

Now badly I want to dance again, I miss it a lot....

I know I can, with the right partner obviously...

Photoshoot

Just a little something meanwhile I wait for the rest of the photoshoot pictures. I'm already really happy about the outcome.

Vulnérabilité

Je me rends compte que je suis très vulnérable...et je m'ébahie ou encore je me morfond sur de grandes et de petites choses. Vous trouverez ici sur ce quoi je suis vulnérable...N'est ce pas se dévoiler simplicitement....!!!

Je m'ébahie devant un sourire d'enfant, je me morfond en me demandant si je serais une bonne mère. Je m'ébahie devant un paysage a couper le souffle et je me morfond à l'idée de ne plus jamais le revoir. Je m'ébahie devant ces couples amoureux et je me morfond en me demandent si un jour je vivrai un amour comme leur. Je m'ébahie devant une amitié sincère et profonde et je morfond de peut-être la détruire un jour. Je m'ébahie devant les échanges de pouvoir entre maître (esse) et soumis (se), je me morfond a constatant que je n'ai pas les même aptitudes.

Mais tout cela me remet en perspective et j'opte toujours pour le bon coté, de m'ébahir constamment, je suis parfois comme une enfant, j'ai le regard de ceux-ci dans les découvertes que je fait ou encore la naïveté et la pureté que les bambins dégagent..

Ma vulnérabilité est vécu par mes émotions que je ressens et j'aime être vulnérable..Je suis vulnérable devant le regard d'un homme qui me plait, je suis vulnérable en sa présence. Je deviens femme, je me laisse transporter, envoûter, désirer.. Je suis vulnérable à ses émotions comme aux miennes...N'est-ce pas une belle vulnérabilité...Je l'aime, je la désire et je marche avec elle...

Je ne suis pas faible, au contraire j'ai cette force de vivre avec cette vulnérabilité à mes cotés....

English posts

I'm sure a couple of you wonder why I write my posts in english...Well I realise that i have issues with my english and I do not have enough vocubalary. So i'm forcing myself to write and read in english. Sorry for those who has a hard time understanding english, I will eventualy go back to french.

éclair

Je suis dans un état d'esprit tout à fait merveilleux.......je n'en dit pas plus désolé :d

Bonne nuit

Thinking about Daddy!

I dont know if it's the lack of sleep that made think about my Dad this morning and the fact that I miss him a lot, but I have to talk about it. My dad and I we went trough a lot of phases, for a long time we did not get along, I was angry at him and was discusted with the way he doubt with some stuff. I could not believe that he raised me with wonderful values and he was the one not respecting them. I grew up and started understanding more what was life about and sometimes even if you believe in some values there is situation in life where it's hard to apply them.

Fot the past 5 years now I'm trying really hard to be close to him, it's not easy since he's a cold person to start with, but I know he loves me very much and would do anything for his little girl. I think sickness kind of brought us a little bit closer. He his now in treatment for leukemia, and I know he is a strong person and will fight this easily. But sometimes I wonder if what he did in the past and that he has a hard time to deal with, is getting back at him. I believe that when you have a strong feeling of cupalbility, this feeling will end up punishing you for what you've done. Dont give me wrong, I never wanted my dad to be sick, never. I love him so much. The good part in this, is that he realise a bit more there is true important stuff in life, such as the love for your kids. And I hope I'll have the chance to give him grandkids.

I have to admit that in the past couple of months I have not seen him a lot. Why? Because I feel bad for him, and I dont wnat him to know what I'm experimenting in my sex life now. He use to be a military police and he was quit rigid when I was a kid. I have the feeling I am betraying him. What would he think if he knew that i let myself dominate in bed. He would be devasted. Since i'm a poor liar and that everything shows in the reflect of my eyes, he will know there is something different. But are we really different me and him??? He's been with someone for the past 11 years and she is a control freak. She decides everything and as mush has he was a man of decision in the army and somebody to fear, he his now like a puppet with her. I'm not saying he is being dominated in bed, and I think I really dont want know, to much information it would be. But I think that domination in life or in bed there is a thin line of differences. He might be really happy like that, and i sincerely hope for him, but in my eyes i dont think so.

I have to find time to spent some with him, I miss him a lot lately, I wish I could just walk to him and be honest of what is going on right now. But I cant, just because I respect him so much and I would not want him to be disapointed at me. He did a great job raising me, and I strongly doubt that this is the type of life he wanted me to have. I'm happy in what i'm doing and my decisions I have taken in the past year, so as long as he sees that, he will be more then happy...

Love you dad, I miss you.

50 things I want to accomplish

I have a friend of mine (JP) that did a list of 101 things that he would like to do in the 1001 days. It kind of give me the envy to do the same. So you will find below 50 things I would love to do, or that I wish it could happen, in the next 3 years. I'll cross them off my list each day I accomplish one of it.

1-Take german courses (use to speak it when I was a kid)
2-Lose 20 pounds
3-Finish studying
4-Buy my first condo or loft
5-Travel again to Europe
6-Travel to Australia
7-Adopt a chocolate lab
8-Donate money to the CCFC (Crohn & Colitis Foundation of Canada)
9-Stop smoking definately ( this has to be done in within the next 2 months)à
10-Go back to the gym
11-Read more books
12-Allow myself more alone time
13-Get a massage every month
14-Start dancing lessons again (Tango, Salsa, Hip-Hop)
15-Donate to the breast cancer foundation
16-Pay bills on time
17-Be pregant ( Yes I wrote that)
18-Buy one pair of Manolo Blahnik
19-Take vacations with my love partner (when I'll have one)
20-Concentrate on family
21-Help my mom to get rid of her debts
22-Pay a trip to my dad for moose hunting up north
23-Trying to be less sensitive
24-Show my love more to people I care about
25-Get a cellphone
26-Have some chocolat from Geneviève Grandbois
27-Stop bitting my nails
28-Make love to somebody
29-Somebody makes love to me
30-oufff find the 20 others ones
31-Go to the cimatery to see my cousin and grand-parents (I know it's weird)
32-Keep being who I am
33-Have a hot chocolate at Juliette and Chocolat
34-Go to cinéma l'amour
35-Try watersports
36-Wear my collar
37-Give my collar to the one that will deserve it
38-Stop asking myself to much questions
39-Stop answering those questions with the wrong answers..:D
40-Subscribe to national géographic
41-Subcribe to photography courses
42-Buy a Nikon
43-Practice more my english and be completely bilingual
44-Visit my friends in Switzerland
45-Rent a chalet for a week
46-Stop of being scared
47-Buy albums to put all of my pictures
48-
49-
50-

I have decided that the 3 last ones, I want people to tell me what they should be! People that knows me will most probably put the finger on what is missing....

Saint-Valentin

Eh oui ce fameux jour ou les amoureux s'efforcent de passer la journée ensemble et font des pieds et des mains pour ce faire plaisir, arrive à grand pas. Mais pourquoi les couples y accorde autant d'importance. Il y a 365 jours dans une année il me semble que l'élu de notre coeur devrait recevoir notre attention toute l'année, pas simplement cette journée. Cette journée de st-valentin est presque rendu une masquarade, un défi de réserver un restaurant ce soir là, pour couronner le tout ce n'est pas un souper romantique car il y a tellement de couple que l'ambiance est bruyante, dérangeante. Ou est le romantisme dans tout cela?

Bizarement cette année je suis zen avec cette journée, les dernières années j'ai passé la St-Valentin a Toronto sur la route ou encore dans un "trade show". Ca me fesait extrêment chier de ne pas passer cette journée avec mon copain de l'époque. Je me sentais seul et loin des gens que j'aime. Mais je réalise que ce n'est pas le 14 qu'il faut célébrer l'amour, mais tous les jours avec des gestes qui témoignent ce que nous éprouvons. Pas simplement a notre partenaire mais à tout ceux qui nous entourent.

Les boites de chocolats, les roses, les sorties au resto, la petite carte avec le je t'aime inscris à l'intérieur est complètement inutile. Je serais seul cette année à l'occasion de la fête de ce petit cupidon. Par conséquent je me retrouverais plutot avec des amis qui me sont cher dans une soirées où les gens démontreront tout l'amour qu'il ont pour leurs petites bêtes de compagnies ou leur conjoint ou encore leur paternaire occasionels. Je pourrai montrer mon amour a plusieurs personnes plutot qu'a une seule. Ca me fait du bien, j'en suis très contente de passer ma soirée ainsi.

Il me fera plaisir de leur lancer un petit sourire en guise de mon apréciation de ce qu'il sont plutot que de me faire dorloter obligatoirement par un amoureux car c'est la "St-Valentin".
Mais qui sait, peut-être que Cupidon transpercera mon coeur d'ici là...:D

Sex show

There is something really weird going on right now, in within a week I have accepted my sexual behavior and fantasy more then in the past 15 years. I bought a collar to submit myself to the person I will trust the most and the one that will make me feel that I can give him this chance to honor me and my collar. To help a friend of mine I will publicly promote his website at the sex show in montreal. Am I afraid to do it? Yes! Why?For many obvious reasons, but deep inside there is something that pushes me to do it. Most probably to accept even more what I am and what drives me in bed.

I'm afraid of judgement, but what the hell, people should love and accept me the way I am. I'm still the person who you can talk to, trust, have fun with, and the most caring person. So what I do in my intimacy belongs to me. I dont judge people if they dont have the same opinions or the same envies as me. So they should not judge me.

Here is another big step for me, and I'm proud of it, it makes me stronger honestly....

Un ange suspendu!!

Je tenais absolument à partager ce moment que j'ai vécue samedi le 17. Mon corps et mon esprit crient encore de plaisir et en redemande. Je suis allé au loft, puis il y a un homme qui fesait de la suspension à une demoiselle. J'en avait tellement envie aussi, mais avec ma gène qui me paralyse parfois, je n'osais pas lui demander. Mais je regardais cette femme suspendu comme un ange, j'aurais donné n'importe quoi pour être à sa place, la personne qui m'accompagnait ce soir là, m'a suggéré d'y aller....

Il a du me mettre au défi pour que je m'approche gentiment de ce sympathique monsieur. Je me suis donc résigné à lui faire la demande. Oh! mais quel surprise il me repond positivement..Je suis complètement ébahie et un flot d'excitation m'envahie. Le moment venu je suis nerveuse, mais combien heureuse. Je lui fait confiance, même si je ne le connais pas, venant de moi c'est vraiment un exploit. Alors je m'abandonne à ses cordes.

Il discute avec moi, me rassure, me pose des questions, je ne vois pas le temps passé, puis je réalise que j'ai déjà un harnais sur ma poitrine. Il me demande de me laisser aller vers l'arrière, il veut vérifier si c'est trop serré pour moi et s'assurer que tout est en place. Je dois alors me laisser aller vers l'arrière comme si je tombais dans le vide...MOI me laisser tomber comme cela avec un inconnu, oufff. Il complète mon harnais au niveau des hanches et j'ai cette corde qui passe gentiment entre mes jambes, mais quel beau "feeling".

Je me suis retrouvée suspendu dos face au sol pendant je ne sais pas combien de temps, mais j'aurais voulu que ca ne s'arrête jamais...Ce sentiment tellement puissant d'impuissance et de liberté...epoustouflant. Je veux le revivre encore et encore....Je veux me sentir légerte comme une plume et ne plus penser à rien....

Cet ange qui s'envole, qui se soulève et qui domine elle même sa soumission sous ces cordes...Libère toi, non pas des liens mais de tes fantasmes non assouvies....

Love songs

Wow....I've been sitting in a Starbucks for the past 2 hours and the music is just great!! Love songs, old and excellent. It's giving me almost the envy to fall in love, but this time with the right one...
With all of this music playing in my ears I feel like there is something great in the air, just like a tornado of well being and calm...One more reason to love Starbucks, it gives me a chance to dream a bit of the white picket fence and all of the accomplishment and hapiness that comes along with the one you love...

Is there a bit of romantic feelings growing in me...no I dont think so. It's not growing, it's there, I just never really explore it....

Thanks to Sinatra, Armstrong, Cole you allow me to dream....

chocked!!!

Yesterday somebody really lost the minimum of consideration and my faith I had in us to be at least coworkers and maybe friends. Never in my life somebody treated me like this and one day he will pay for what he is. I sincerely hope so. You cant live your life being mean and have a rock instead of your heart without paying for it.

After we breakup in november, I have to say it was done in a poor way, I tought with time we could have a conversation and forget about all of this. But I guess not. Since he has move his office next to mine we ignored each other, and I cant do this to someone it's not fare. I'm a genuine person and I have a big heart, I'm able to forgive about anything if the person is true to me. I have tried yesterday to have a conversation with this person, so we can move foward and stop ignoring each other.

Well I was really stupid to believe that he would be receptive to it. He told me that he did not mind to have a businnes realtionship but as for the personnal one he did not care about. He told me as well that I never been anything to him anyways and that he had nothing to say to me. I flipped...I should of stay calm, but impossible. I would never do or say such things even to my worst enemy. I think everbody has something great down below...For the first time in my life I hate somebody and I will forever.

No way back for him, not even a slight of consideration from me, he is dead to me, he is a condescendent prick.

I'm so chock that somebody could be such an asshole. I have dealed with a lot of situation in my life and never somebody was that mean. I'm might be a bit naive to see good in everybody...But I have been like that all my life and it always been good to me.. I'll still think this way, I just had a proof that there is in this world people that is not worth my time....

Acceptation

Aujourd'hui j'ai fait un énorme pas face à mon évolution...Je ressens une libération inouïe, ma plus grande peur est d'être dominé totalement. Je n'ai jamais voulu porter un collier, il me fait peur...peur du jugement, peur d'être un animal de compagnie, peur de perdre mon identité, peur de perdre l'image de cette femme forte. Pourquoi cette crainte!!?? Parce que j'ai un égo et une fierté mal placé..

Après avoir fait quelques sites internet d'accessoires fétichistes, j'ai littéralement tombé sous le charme de ce fameux collier. Que c'est-il passé dans mon coeur pour bien vouloir me risquer d'aller le voir en boutique. Donc hier soir, j'ai demandé a mon accolyte si il viendrait avec moi, bien sur il accepta. À mon grand désarroi, car me connaissant je me laissais une porte de sortie, si l'envie n'y était pas de sa part, évidemment je n'aurais jamais mis les pieds seul à la boutique.

Donc ce matin, chemin fesant, je dois avouer que la nervosité s'emparait de moi. Bordel ce n'est qu'un collier!! me répètais-je...Nous arrivons à la boutique et j'ai les mains moites...je me suis informé sur le collier que j'avais vu sur le site web de la boutique. Une fois le collier dans mes mains, j'ai eu une libération, je venais tout simplement d'accepter entièrement ma soumission.

Je ne porte toujours pas le collier, j'attendrais le bon moment pour le faire..Il est beau, féminin et empreint de ma futur soumission entière. J'ai une envie certaine de le porter et de l'exhiber, mais aussi que quelqu'un en prenne possession...Mais le temps viendra et je sais que je vais en tirer un plaisir intense.....