Pissed

Just to let people know that this post is in reaction to a conversation on Fetlife. I had to speak my mind and let the community know how much there are being assholes right now..It was posted on Fetlife, but i thought I could put it on my blog to...


Just to reiterate because it gets lost in the comments, this isn't about paying for video.. it's so that we can still have a Fetlife. it's not this OR video..it's this OR no Fetlife.

I'm so speechless to see how people are selfish right now. There is no other sites like Fetlife. Just little examples of what Fetlife does for the community

Caretaker team, that is there for each of you, individually they will help you not matter what. If you have any issues, they will respond to you.

Witch other site allows you to express yourself and participate to making this site better. For you OWN benefits.

Remember the fetish sections? John asked your opinion on what and how you wanted. Did you get it the way you wanted it. YES! And what about people complaining that the site was a bit slow and issues with e-mail notifications..Why? Because, big news, the site is growing. What did Fetlife do FOR YOU. Well transfered everything to a bunch of new servers ans make it more efficient! You wanted an improve search on Fetlife, you got it as well...These are FEW examples of what John and his team did FOR YOU!


Oh ya! but I forgot this cost money. We are all sitting in front of our computers enjoying a site that we all love, because they do so mush for us..but now it's time to help the people that helped us. What do we do...
We still sit in front of our computers, complaining and bitching and shitting on John and he is team, after everything he did for US. Not for him but for US.

You all came with great ideas, and truly believe that John already thought about these options. But what about if Fetlife wants to do things legally and not get in trouble. Right now for me it sounds like you don't give a rat ass about how he gets the money, even if it puts John and his team in trouble, as long you keep Fetlife the way it is. THAT IS SELFISH TO ME.

I'm really disappointed with the community right now, when it comes to your own benefits you are all happy about it, but when it comes to help the people that fed you, you shit on them...

What's the point of having a community if we can't help each other...

Have you ever met John in some events or talk to him or exchange e-mails with him? For people who did, you can't deny that he his the most genuine and understanding person. He will listen to you, he is happy to do what he does, he believes in it and in his community. Right now we fail to show him how much we care.

Oh and by the way, all of that video issue, why don't we as a COMMUNITY make it as a educational part of Fetlife. You are so afraid that will become like just like the other one. But YOU make the community so why not use this video opportunity and make it constructive and interesting.
What about videos how to make toys, how to spank somebody or to learn about bondage. You as a member will be posting videos, make it so that it doesn't become like all of the other crappy sites...

This how you become different and you set yourself apart form others...

No more hidding!

If you have noticed I don't blog as much, but I've been holding back on my writing because a lot I have to write about is my personal life. I was keeping everything for me, so I dont put the identity of my partner out there. But honestly I reached a point where I cant hold it back anymore.

A lot is going through my mind and I need to write about it and how I feel right now. I'm sure he will understand...I hope!

As you know I met somebody in January, I was not prepared for that and I would even say not looking for anybody either. We did everything in the proper order, seeing, dating each other. In the past couple of weeks now, it's obvious that we have moved to the next step. We are a couple..LOL..it makes me laugh, because I was so scared of the word relationship. I so didn't want to make the same mistakes. But honestly, I truly believe I wont, just because everything is flowing and it's a natural relationship.

Last night, a big step was done, he met mom..I was nervous like hell, first time it ever happens to me. Usually I don't care! But this time I wanted everything to be perfect. My fear was to introduce him to my mother and that in a couple of weeks from now he would brake the relationship, because it's not working out. I'm putting a lot of pressure on my shoulder and most probably on his. As pathetic it sounds, I want him to be the last one that my mom meets, I want our relationship to work out basically.

You know when you feel it's right!! You don't want things to stop, you just want them to grow in this relationship with the bad and good things. Last time I felt this way it was 11 years ago, I was madly in love with a wonderful men, that made me the women I am today. We decided not to pursue this relationship because we lived in different countries and it was to hard to deal with that. Well guess what? I feel exactly the same about my man right now. It feels so good to have those feelings again. I never thought it would be possible.

I have to pinch myself sometimes to realize I'm not dreaming. He does exist, he's real, he's all that to me. Would I say " I love you" to him, I'm not there yet. I'm a romantic girl, so I guess the right moment will show up eventually. It's not something that you say just like that, you have to feel it and mean it when you say it. I don't like it when it becomes an habit. You know those couples that says it everyday "freakin" day, or before they hang up the phone, I hate this pattern. It doesn't have the same impact then when it comes truly from the heart once in a while.

I have to thank my mom as well...I told her all the truth about where I met him and what does he do for living. Not for a second she judged him upon the information I gave her. She accept him as he is, and for me this means a lot and makes the realtionship so much easier. I think he is quite happy about that to. He doesn't have to justify anything and he's able to be himself around her. Am I experimenting the best of the world right now? I think I am, and pretty lucky about it.

So....

To you sexy man,
You are amazing to me and thanks for giving me those butterflies in my stomach, I thought they would never come back in my life.

Private schools and mini skirts

Here I am sitting in my car waiting for my mom to finish work and drop her home...

Tons of students from high school are walking down the street. I'm looking at those girls with their school uniforms. White shirt or blouse, with the plaid skirt....but wait is this really a skirt????

I can see their legs, the knee and up to thigh...Gees, no wonder people fantasize on school girls!!!
It's windy out there and cold, I counted about 10 girls that showed their asses, because the wind is lifting their skirts. Oh yeah! I almost forgot I stopped counting after 7 men in their car driving, most probably father themselves, having a look twice to thoses girls.

I'm totally disgusted..It makes me wonder, why do they make those skirts so short, they attract perverts. Call me old fashion, but as much I would love my kids to go to private school I would never but never tolerate the uniform. My parents never allowed me to dress sexy until I was 18 if I remember correctly . So why should allow my daugther to dress like an object of desire. They are going to school to learn what is life all about and to come back home with a feeling they have learned something and they can become somebody without any stereotypes.

It does not make sense to me that girls has to dress this way, what about pants??? or longer skirts?? There is predators everywhere, why give them the opportunity to act?? Why teach those young men, that a 15 year old girl can be desirable....

I know I'm old fashion, not on everything, but this really gets to me...

Men vs Women

I read a blog this morning and it made me think about the subject...So here is my point of view on what I read. I apologize to the blogger , I dont want to copy cat your post but i find it really interesting..:D I know you will forgive me!!!

So basically the subject is in regards man and how they start with less point then women!! Oh shit I feel already people screaming at me, WTF freakin feminist...Take a breath I'll explain what I mean by that..and I'm far from being a feminist let me tell you..especially as a sub!!

Don't you ever realize that no matter what, a man is judged right from the beginning, either in a situation of first date, a friend talking about somebody she is seeing , a futur brother in law or an eventual son in law! You get the picture???

Without even knowing the guy, the first thing that comes to mind is: Is he honest, is he respectful, he might be a jerk, is he faithful, is he a player...

So instead of being at the same level as a women and building a relationship at the same paste, the man has to work harder to proove that he is not all of the above. The slight little thing that he will do wrong, we will analyse it and systematically condamned him and think his a jerk!!

But us, girls, we are so much worst to actually judge them and think tha they are all the same. And like the blogger said in her post, girls are easily forgiven for the same mistakes. They dont know how to be anymore, they dont feel they have room anymore to act as a real man..We castred them, with our believes and by putting them all in the same jar.

In the society we are evolving in, women are even worst I believe. They are expecting to much, and they want the cake and the cherry on top. Why dont you look at yourself and see what you have to offer??!!! Stop tagging and judging the men that comes in your life. If you do so, you will feel so much less pressure on your shoulder and you'll stop to be scared of the "if" situation:

-If he's unfaithful
-If he stop loving me
-If he's not a good father
-If he hurts me

And by stopping asking you all of those questions, your other half will feel that he is able to be himself and dont ask him to justify who he is, you take it or leave it. Don't ever think you will change somebody. Stay true to yourself and people surrounding you, will be!!

Human being reacts to pressure, to emotions so when you are evolving in a unhappy situation, you make mistakes, you try to do whatever is to your best knowledge!!! We all make mistakes, but it doesn't make the person we are...

Do you absolutely need a man to proove you who he is with his past?? Why dont you look at him and instead of judging, ask youself this question : What can we be together!!!??

Par ou commencer!!

Honnêtement je ne sais pas trop où ce "post" va m'amener mais étant d'un naturel spontanée qui vibre d'émotions intensement, cela risque d'être un mélange de passion et d'ennivrement. Depuis mon premier amour je n'ai jamais su comment aimer. J'ai aimer, mais jamais de la bonne façon. Je ne savais pas comment m'y prendre, ni comment gérer mes émotions. J'ai frappé plusieurs murs, je me suis toujours embarqué trop rapidement ou encore sans réfléchir. La première raison étant que j'ai toujours détesté être seul.....Mais quel erreur, la personne la plus importante est soi même, puis il faut savoir s'aimer pour être aimer. Tout le monde est conscient de cela, mais ne l'applique pas nécessairement. Plusieurs personnes ce heurtent et se blessent en croyant avoir trouver la bonne personne. Moi la première, je me suis souvent cogner la tête contre le mur, en me répétant mais quel naïve, mais pourquoi je suis tomber en amour avec lui...

Je suis malheureusement le genre de personne qui doit frapper un mur plusieurs fois avant de réagir. Je suis tellement une passionnée et je me laisse emporter par l'ennivrement facilement. Suite à ma dernière rupture, il y a un déclic qui c'est fait, je crois que j'étais déjà en processus de comprendre bien des choses, mais la rupture n'a fait que confirmer ce que je commencais à comprendre. Puis il y a eu l'acceptation et le premier pas dans cet univers de sexualité alternative. J'ai toujours su qu'il manquait un truc dans mes relations, j'ai réaliser que je suis dominante dans ma vie de tout les jours, mais quand il en vient au sex et à l'amour je deviens vieux jeu en quelque sorte. J'ai besoin que l'homme prenne la place qui lui revient et moi la mienne. J'ai besoin de me sentir désiré, voulu et qu'on me prenne avec une telle envie.

Mon comportement à drastiquement changé depuis que j'accepte cette réalité, je me sens femme et je suis tout simplement moi. J'ai toujours été independante, mais aucune de mes relations me permettais de l'être. Je m'accrochais comme une sangsue à mon partenaire. Pourquoi????? Parce que je n'étais pas heureuse dans ce que je vivais, alors je me fesais croire que c'est ce que je voulais...Pathétique n'est ce pas??? En très peu de temps j'ai compris qu'il n'y avait que moi d'important, sans devenir complètement égoïste bien sur!

L'être humain à une grande capacité de s'auto-détruire avec des interprétations, des mais, des peut-être, mais il a aussi la capacité de grandir et devenir vraiment ce qu'il est! J'en suis rendu à cette étape, c'est si bon de se sentir forte et soi-même...Cet année est une année de changement pour moi et je m'étais fait une promesse de penser qu'a moi, puis de prendre du temps pour moi!! Donc inévitablement je ne voulais personne dans ma vie puis les gens qui me connaisse savent très bien que quand je prend une décision je la respecte....

BANG!!!! Je me suis fait avoir à mon propre jeu il y a un peu plus de deux mois maintenant!!! Par conséquent, je suis différente, mon comportement n'est pas le même. Je me sens libre.... Libre d'être enfin moi, libre de ne pas le retenir et de ne pas avoir le besoin de faire ainsi, libre de mes sentiments, libre de lui faire confiance....La confiance pour moi est une des choses les plus difficile à atteindre, pour de multiples raisons, puis j'y arrive très naturellement, du moins mieux qu'avec mes anciens copains...Le dialoge, l'échange, les conversations n'on jamais été aussi facile et naturel avec quelqu'un. J'arrive à exprimer tout ce que je veux et lui aussi...c'est déroutant.

NON et non je ne fais pas les choses rapidement, au contraire du passé. Tout c'est fait tranquillement et dans la norme des choses. Je me rends compte que tout cela est tellement plus sain et équilibré. C'est magnifique ce sentiment réel de ne pas s'attendre à rien et de laisser les choses se développer, sans questionnement, sans stress mais avec confiance.

Je me sens légerte , merci à toi, cet homme qui me rend femme, qui me sent et ressent ma valeur. Je n'arrive toujours pas à exprimer la nature et à quel point mes sentiments sont justes, mais le temps le fera. Ces nuits et journées passées ensemble sont d'une qualité rarement vécue, mon coeur s'ouvre un peu plus à chaque fois car tu sais si bien le pénétrer sans le brusquer...J'admire ta confiance en toi et celle que tu as en moi, ne la perd surtout pas....

Tes bras vont me manquer cette semaine......ainsi que les yeux que tu poses sur moi à chaque fois....Tu me parles à ta façon et cela m'ennivre....

Moi qui n'y croyait plus ou plutot qui n'en voulait plus, tu m'as bien jouer un tour...

Shibaricon

Maintenant depuis lundi je me peux plus...Je vous le jure, je suis comment un enfant à qui on à donner la bonne nouvelle qu'on l'amène à Disney World!!!!!

Je participerai à la convention de bondage à Chicago en mai (Shibaricon). Je passerais donc 4 merveilleuses journées à subir et vivre de la suspension et du bondage...WOW. Ce sera une expérience des plus extraordinaire, vraiment je suis sur que vous ne pouvez pas comprendre et sentir l'excitation que je ressens. Depuis ma venue dans le BDSM j'ai été attiré par cette pratique. Elle m'est très mystérieuse et à la fois tellement réconfortante. Me retrouver avec les pros de cet art me fait complètement halluciner. Je croyais que mon dégré d'excitation diminuerais, car la décision s'est prise lundi soir, mais non détrompez-vous c'est de pire en pire. Je ferais le voyage avec des gens du milieu, et je vous garanti que se sera un des plus beau voyages que j'aurai fait.

Je trépigne de joie depuis lundi...mais vraiment tout va bien en ce moment dans ma vie, parfois j'ai envie de me pincer pour y croire. Est-ce que tout ce bien qui m'arrive est enfin un redevance de la vie qui m'a fait suer depuis les 15 dernières années. Merci à toi, la vie, qui à enfin compris que j'ai aussi droit à ce bonheur et cette plénitude. Je tiens particulièrement aussi à remercier Lapin blanc, car sans toi je n'aurais jamais fait le saut dans cette univers. J'ai rencontré un ami, un confident et une personne extraordinaire qui s'est démontré patient à mon égard. Sans toi je ne vivrais pas toute ces expériences et en plus GRÂCE à toi, mon coeur est pris envers une personne que tu m'as fait découvrir..

Merci mon ami, mon confident, mon épaule et sans oublier ta patience...

Cancer

Before I even start my post I have to explain the situation so you can understand what will follow;

Sunday I went to see my dad, I have'nt seen him since january 1st, and my uncle now lives there. My dad is taking care of him, because my uncle is having chimiotherapy. My dad is in a process of chimiotherapy as well for Leukemia. My dad has been in a relationship for the past 11 years now, with the same women, she has a son of 19 years old and he has a daughter of 14 months...You get the picture now???

Tonight I went for supper with my mom, I really did not feel like cooking after my really busy day at work . And I was telling her, how daddy is just a wonderful grandfather and I found that hard at the beginnning to accept that he's a grandfather , not of my child but of the child of is adopted "son" (not that he his legally his father). But I understand that little sweet kid, she his just amazing, is not responsable for the fucked up life she his brought into (because of her dad).
The kid loves my dad, she's after him and his the only one able to feed her with a spoon..:D
He showed me the quality of a great grandfather he his...I was totally amazed, I guess he is trying to compensate for the fact that he was not that of a great father. Dont give me wrong I'm not bitter about my dad, I love him to much for that...

So there I am talking with my mom about all of that, and I said to her

(Me)-Mom, sunday when I walked into dads house, I felt the death. I think my uncle wont go through the chimio! It was weird, the feeling I had..

(Mom)-Well I think your right. your uncle is way to deep in his cancer. You should go there more often to see them. You never know when your dad will die!

I'm speechless at this point, I never thought about my dad. What I felt in this house, when I walked in, it was death..I know for a fact! But my dad is so strong, he always been the man of the situation. Nerver destabilized. But it's true, the days are counted as well for him....

Am I denying this. Am I trying to convince myself that he' still gonna be around for the next 20 years. Right now I'm sad and annoyed at the same time. Why is life so hard sometimes. I keep having those images of my dad with his granddaugther and I'm mad. Mad about myself, of not being able to give him a grandchild of my own. Will he stay alive long enough for me to give him this wonderful gift. The chance to be the grandfather of my own kids. To see this smile and this hapiness of having a kid in his arms, MY kids.....

Everything is spinning right now, I realise how life is short and unfare sometimes. The only thing I can do right now, is to give him as much love possible and be beside him as often possible. Never again I'll be so long without seeing him. Somewhat he's a strenght for me...

Helpless

I hate this feeling where you would love to do something for somebody that you care for, but you are just helpless... Especially when you cant be close to that person. I'm  bad with words, but so much better with actions...

I like to confort somebody with my smiles, my hugs, being sweet and understanding.. but when you cant, I feel frustrated and I tend to feel even more the pain or the sadness of somebody. I get really emotional with certain things, but it never shows when it's time to be strong...

I feel helpless right now, but remember my heart and my thoughts are with you, no matter what...

Touché

Ma tête fonctionne toujours à cent mille à l'heure, mon cerveau n'arrête jamais de fonctionner. Je trouve cela un peu épuisant parfois, mais en même temps il me donne des occasions de rêver et de fantasmer sur certaine choses....Ohhh que j'adore quand il se met dans ce mode fantaisiste!!!

Plus que je vieillis plus je deviens une romantique et une sentimentale émotionnelle. Je me surprend parfois à penser à la façon dont je voudrais que l'homme que j'aime (que j'aimerai) m'embrasse le matin en se réveillant ou encore la façon dont il prononcerais si doucement mon nom que j'aurai l'impression qu'il chante à mes oreilles. Sa douceur qui frôle mon visage des ses mains si masculine, de son torse à plat sur le lit ou je peux entendre son coeur battre en y déposant ma tête...Me laisse bercer par son souffle dans mon cou et d'y sentir son baiser si tendre...

Je me surpends même parfois à me demander quel serais la plus romantique et la plus intense demande en mariage..Ouff moi qui n'a jamais cru en ce genre d'avenir et que je n'y ai jamais vraiment adhéré et qui en rêve maintenant!!!

Plusieur me dirons que c'est mon horloge biologique qui surgit, mais j'y crois plus ou moins. Je crois par contre que j'ai une maturité qui fait surface depuis maintenant quelques années. Est ce que je m'en plaint, non pas du tout...J'ai envie de porter cette anneau au doigt qui me lie avec une perosnne pour une vie entière. Mais pas n'importe qui réussira à m'attacher à lui. Il devra venir me toucher au plus profond de mon coeur et me démontrer que malgré les années il saura être fidèle à lui même.

Depuis quelques temps tout cela est amplifié, et j'y pense de plus en plus...Ça, je sais pourquoi..mais bon passons pour le moment!!

Approbation de Commentaire

Bon à la demande de FirehawkX j'explique mon choix pour l'approbation des commentaire sur mon blog...Capricieux va...:p

En fait ce n'est pas un choix avec lequel je suis tout à fait en accord, car je préfère la spontanéité, mais j'ai pas trouver aucun autre moyen de savoir si il y avais des commentaires sur mon blog. Alors voilà la seule option qu'il s'offrait à moi. Je tiens à vous rassurer que j'accepterais tout les commentaires sans exception...

Satisfait Monsieur..:P

Mathematics and BDSM

For the past couple of weeks I've been pretty quiet on different discussions that was started in the groups I follow. And I was wondering why I had no inspiration to write anything or to comment. I think I figured it out now....

I've been exploring this world since november, so four months has passed by already...My opinions and my way of seeing the lifestyle has fluctuated and evolved. I'm starting to have a better feel and grasping what I want or dont want..

There is one thing though that bothers me...And to explain that I'll use mathematics, it's the only way it make sense to me..

First of all, there is protocoles, people that likes it, people that dont, the one who does'nt really care about and they'll go with the flow...

So...

If you put a Dominant and a submissive together in BDSM it equals a D\s relationship

But there is no such thing as sub + sub = what??? Error on the calculator!!! -0

And what about Dom + Dom = what??? A supremacy!!!

I find that in this lifestyle we tend to rationalize, every situation, every type of relationship, every behavior. BDSM is not something concrete like mathematics.

In mathematics 2+2=4 and there is no other answers to that or possibilities.

Why in BDSM you need an answer or a way to calculate a situations. BDSM is not rational, far from it, we are dealing with emotions, feelings, fears, relationships, trust, partnership...How can this be so concrete, it's impossible...Why do we need to categorize people, we are not a group of numbers where Dominant people are are pair numbers the and the submissive people are impairs numbers or the other way around.

When I look at people I dont see them as numbers, but as human being, I understand that some are submissive and others Dominant. I, myself know that I'm a submissive person, but I dont systematically think I'll be match with a dominant person cause this is the answer mathematically in this lifestyle.

I already feel there is some people getting mad at me, but don't give me wrong I'm not complaining or making fun of the protocole...I'm just wondering why there is such a battle sometimes on threads....There is because we are dealing with peoples believes and feelings...

So basically what i'm trying to say is I dont think there is a definite answers on the lifestyle, like mathematics has some. But just enjoy being what you are and stop trying to find the right answer, dont make it complicated, just live it...

I dont think there is any accountants in the lifestyle it's not a concrete world enough for them... :D JOKING!!! I'm sure there is!!!

So on this here is my personnal formula for the Lifestyle

(Dom + sub + Top + bottom) x community = ∞

Infinite possibilities

Patience

Mon coeur plane...
Mes sentiments se défilent et se concrétisent;
Je suis déroutée
Je tourbillones au son de sa voix...
Je m'effondres sous ses caresses....
Je jubiles à la pensée de le voir...
Je comprends comment le vivre sainement...
Je sens cette peur constante de le perdre...
Je me sens défaillir devant sa tendresse...
Je me laisse bercer dans ses bras la nuit venue..
Je laisses mon coeur s'ouvrir lentement...

J'oses croire qu'il prendra dans sa main ce battement de coeur qui lui est destiné....

À ce cher temps, à cette patience donc je me croyais incapable d'exercer, et bien je m'étonnes moi-même. J'y arrive doucement et facilement...

Prends moi et je te prendrai!!!

Émotions

Aujourd'hui je me sens pas très bien, en fait je suis d'une humeur moyenne. Je me sens pas frustrée mais fatiguée. Un peu triste à la limite et très émotionnelle. Mais pourquoi donc?

Et oui c'Est la période précaire de toute les femmes une fois par mois. Oui oui je blog sur le syndrome prémenstruel....

Le pire c'est quand je mets les choses en perspectives, rien ne va mal dans ma vie, au contraire tout va bien. Mais je deviens à fleur de peau, mélancolique et j'ai besoin d'attention, de réconfort et de cocooning. Je déteste ne pas avoir toute l'attention nécessaire cette seul et unique journée du mois. N'ayez pas croire que je me choque ou encore que je pogne les nerfs, non non pas du tout. C'est pas dans mon caractère, mais je me poses beaucoup plus de questions qu'a l'habitude, alors imaginez à quel point je m'en pose...:-s

Dans ce temps là, j'ai envie de me retrouver auprès de la personne que j'aime ou encore seul chez moi sous les couvertures devant un film. Ce soir ni un ni l'autre n'est possible et cela me perturbe....Je suis bien chanceuse malgré cela, car ca ne dure qu'une seule journée.

Bizarement je sentais le besoin de le partager, désolé si cela n'est pas un sujet très agréable mais bon MOI ca me fait du bien à l'âme. Alors tant pis pour vous...

Bon je vais allez verser quelques larmes, question de rendre la chose plus dramatique..:P

He's just not that into you!

Friday night I went to see the movie "He's just not that into you".. I have to admit that I had a great laugh and even sometimes I could relate to the characters. To a certain extend it was a reality check and always weird when you watch a movie like this with somebody you are dating. You so dont want to admit there is some situation that you do act like the crazy girl, or the one that is desperate to fall in love.

A couple of years ago I was just like the crazy cute lovely girl in the movie. I realise with my mistakes that it would never work if I kept asking myself questions on every single action that a guy could do towards me. Is it maturity or the fact that every single time I would act this way it would end up in a big failure, most probably I let myself go a bit more and dont analyse every single actions. Ok, i'm not quite perfect on it, but I have a better control on myself as well, and also I think it all depends on the type of guy you are dating. If he is considerate and that he does'nt play games you dont have to ask yourself all those stupid questions. You just go with the flow.

There is one really important thing that you have to stop doing girls, keep your life, dont let go friends for a man, and keep your social life. I'm speaking by experience, i dont do that anymore, but I did it in the past and who was the most miserable? Me! Keep you're independancy, this is what makes you as a person, the people that surrounds you are vital. They will always be there, dont let them down for love. Love is beautiful, but it's not a lifestyle, it's a compliment to your existing life.

I'm thinking just right now that I did mature, it's weird for me to write this, and the worse part or maybe the good part in this is that i sincerely believe in what I just wrote. Wow! Rare i'll say that, but it's wonderful to be 30 sometimes :D.

I sincerely think thought that the type of men you meet is as well repsonsable for your action to a certain extend. If he let's you become dependant of him well when it's becoming to hard on him, it's really difficult to go back at what it use to be at the beginning. So guys dont let your girl become dependant of you, but let her be part of you and your life more as a complice then a ball and chain to your ankle.

Perhaps, two people that are meant to be together will naturally adjust their needs and I dont think it becomes a problem. The human being loves to have control on their actions instinctivly. So when we feel we dont control the situation we do everything to get the control back. And obviously we do really stupid things. So when you are with a partner and you feel that both of the partners has the same power, equally given and received, dont let him go, he's the right one....

Bottom line, "he's just not that into you" might be because we rationalise everything and we dont let life do her job....

Just follow your heart and not your instinct...

Dancing

I use to take dance courses and I failed badly..Lol. I cant let go, really hard to lead me. Last night i was looking at two friends of mine dancing and it was just great and fun to watch, and suddenly something hit me. I clicked!! I know why I cant be lead, I need trust, I need confidence in my partner, just like in friendship or love. I need to feel as well that my partner is a real men, that he knows how to drive me...

Really weird, but when I dance I want to feel like a women, like if trough the dance my partner shows me how much he want me, and how much he his confident enough to lead me. That he is not afraid of my moves, that he will be able to still dance even if i get it wrong. That he wont be destabilise by me...

Now badly I want to dance again, I miss it a lot....

I know I can, with the right partner obviously...

Photoshoot

Just a little something meanwhile I wait for the rest of the photoshoot pictures. I'm already really happy about the outcome.

Vulnérabilité

Je me rends compte que je suis très vulnérable...et je m'ébahie ou encore je me morfond sur de grandes et de petites choses. Vous trouverez ici sur ce quoi je suis vulnérable...N'est ce pas se dévoiler simplicitement....!!!

Je m'ébahie devant un sourire d'enfant, je me morfond en me demandant si je serais une bonne mère. Je m'ébahie devant un paysage a couper le souffle et je me morfond à l'idée de ne plus jamais le revoir. Je m'ébahie devant ces couples amoureux et je me morfond en me demandent si un jour je vivrai un amour comme leur. Je m'ébahie devant une amitié sincère et profonde et je morfond de peut-être la détruire un jour. Je m'ébahie devant les échanges de pouvoir entre maître (esse) et soumis (se), je me morfond a constatant que je n'ai pas les même aptitudes.

Mais tout cela me remet en perspective et j'opte toujours pour le bon coté, de m'ébahir constamment, je suis parfois comme une enfant, j'ai le regard de ceux-ci dans les découvertes que je fait ou encore la naïveté et la pureté que les bambins dégagent..

Ma vulnérabilité est vécu par mes émotions que je ressens et j'aime être vulnérable..Je suis vulnérable devant le regard d'un homme qui me plait, je suis vulnérable en sa présence. Je deviens femme, je me laisse transporter, envoûter, désirer.. Je suis vulnérable à ses émotions comme aux miennes...N'est-ce pas une belle vulnérabilité...Je l'aime, je la désire et je marche avec elle...

Je ne suis pas faible, au contraire j'ai cette force de vivre avec cette vulnérabilité à mes cotés....

English posts

I'm sure a couple of you wonder why I write my posts in english...Well I realise that i have issues with my english and I do not have enough vocubalary. So i'm forcing myself to write and read in english. Sorry for those who has a hard time understanding english, I will eventualy go back to french.

éclair

Je suis dans un état d'esprit tout à fait merveilleux.......je n'en dit pas plus désolé :d

Bonne nuit

Thinking about Daddy!

I dont know if it's the lack of sleep that made think about my Dad this morning and the fact that I miss him a lot, but I have to talk about it. My dad and I we went trough a lot of phases, for a long time we did not get along, I was angry at him and was discusted with the way he doubt with some stuff. I could not believe that he raised me with wonderful values and he was the one not respecting them. I grew up and started understanding more what was life about and sometimes even if you believe in some values there is situation in life where it's hard to apply them.

Fot the past 5 years now I'm trying really hard to be close to him, it's not easy since he's a cold person to start with, but I know he loves me very much and would do anything for his little girl. I think sickness kind of brought us a little bit closer. He his now in treatment for leukemia, and I know he is a strong person and will fight this easily. But sometimes I wonder if what he did in the past and that he has a hard time to deal with, is getting back at him. I believe that when you have a strong feeling of cupalbility, this feeling will end up punishing you for what you've done. Dont give me wrong, I never wanted my dad to be sick, never. I love him so much. The good part in this, is that he realise a bit more there is true important stuff in life, such as the love for your kids. And I hope I'll have the chance to give him grandkids.

I have to admit that in the past couple of months I have not seen him a lot. Why? Because I feel bad for him, and I dont wnat him to know what I'm experimenting in my sex life now. He use to be a military police and he was quit rigid when I was a kid. I have the feeling I am betraying him. What would he think if he knew that i let myself dominate in bed. He would be devasted. Since i'm a poor liar and that everything shows in the reflect of my eyes, he will know there is something different. But are we really different me and him??? He's been with someone for the past 11 years and she is a control freak. She decides everything and as mush has he was a man of decision in the army and somebody to fear, he his now like a puppet with her. I'm not saying he is being dominated in bed, and I think I really dont want know, to much information it would be. But I think that domination in life or in bed there is a thin line of differences. He might be really happy like that, and i sincerely hope for him, but in my eyes i dont think so.

I have to find time to spent some with him, I miss him a lot lately, I wish I could just walk to him and be honest of what is going on right now. But I cant, just because I respect him so much and I would not want him to be disapointed at me. He did a great job raising me, and I strongly doubt that this is the type of life he wanted me to have. I'm happy in what i'm doing and my decisions I have taken in the past year, so as long as he sees that, he will be more then happy...

Love you dad, I miss you.

50 things I want to accomplish

I have a friend of mine (JP) that did a list of 101 things that he would like to do in the 1001 days. It kind of give me the envy to do the same. So you will find below 50 things I would love to do, or that I wish it could happen, in the next 3 years. I'll cross them off my list each day I accomplish one of it.

1-Take german courses (use to speak it when I was a kid)
2-Lose 20 pounds
3-Finish studying
4-Buy my first condo or loft
5-Travel again to Europe
6-Travel to Australia
7-Adopt a chocolate lab
8-Donate money to the CCFC (Crohn & Colitis Foundation of Canada)
9-Stop smoking definately ( this has to be done in within the next 2 months)à
10-Go back to the gym
11-Read more books
12-Allow myself more alone time
13-Get a massage every month
14-Start dancing lessons again (Tango, Salsa, Hip-Hop)
15-Donate to the breast cancer foundation
16-Pay bills on time
17-Be pregant ( Yes I wrote that)
18-Buy one pair of Manolo Blahnik
19-Take vacations with my love partner (when I'll have one)
20-Concentrate on family
21-Help my mom to get rid of her debts
22-Pay a trip to my dad for moose hunting up north
23-Trying to be less sensitive
24-Show my love more to people I care about
25-Get a cellphone
26-Have some chocolat from Geneviève Grandbois
27-Stop bitting my nails
28-Make love to somebody
29-Somebody makes love to me
30-oufff find the 20 others ones
31-Go to the cimatery to see my cousin and grand-parents (I know it's weird)
32-Keep being who I am
33-Have a hot chocolate at Juliette and Chocolat
34-Go to cinéma l'amour
35-Try watersports
36-Wear my collar
37-Give my collar to the one that will deserve it
38-Stop asking myself to much questions
39-Stop answering those questions with the wrong answers..:D
40-Subscribe to national géographic
41-Subcribe to photography courses
42-Buy a Nikon
43-Practice more my english and be completely bilingual
44-Visit my friends in Switzerland
45-Rent a chalet for a week
46-Stop of being scared
47-Buy albums to put all of my pictures
48-
49-
50-

I have decided that the 3 last ones, I want people to tell me what they should be! People that knows me will most probably put the finger on what is missing....

Saint-Valentin

Eh oui ce fameux jour ou les amoureux s'efforcent de passer la journée ensemble et font des pieds et des mains pour ce faire plaisir, arrive à grand pas. Mais pourquoi les couples y accorde autant d'importance. Il y a 365 jours dans une année il me semble que l'élu de notre coeur devrait recevoir notre attention toute l'année, pas simplement cette journée. Cette journée de st-valentin est presque rendu une masquarade, un défi de réserver un restaurant ce soir là, pour couronner le tout ce n'est pas un souper romantique car il y a tellement de couple que l'ambiance est bruyante, dérangeante. Ou est le romantisme dans tout cela?

Bizarement cette année je suis zen avec cette journée, les dernières années j'ai passé la St-Valentin a Toronto sur la route ou encore dans un "trade show". Ca me fesait extrêment chier de ne pas passer cette journée avec mon copain de l'époque. Je me sentais seul et loin des gens que j'aime. Mais je réalise que ce n'est pas le 14 qu'il faut célébrer l'amour, mais tous les jours avec des gestes qui témoignent ce que nous éprouvons. Pas simplement a notre partenaire mais à tout ceux qui nous entourent.

Les boites de chocolats, les roses, les sorties au resto, la petite carte avec le je t'aime inscris à l'intérieur est complètement inutile. Je serais seul cette année à l'occasion de la fête de ce petit cupidon. Par conséquent je me retrouverais plutot avec des amis qui me sont cher dans une soirées où les gens démontreront tout l'amour qu'il ont pour leurs petites bêtes de compagnies ou leur conjoint ou encore leur paternaire occasionels. Je pourrai montrer mon amour a plusieurs personnes plutot qu'a une seule. Ca me fait du bien, j'en suis très contente de passer ma soirée ainsi.

Il me fera plaisir de leur lancer un petit sourire en guise de mon apréciation de ce qu'il sont plutot que de me faire dorloter obligatoirement par un amoureux car c'est la "St-Valentin".
Mais qui sait, peut-être que Cupidon transpercera mon coeur d'ici là...:D

Sex show

There is something really weird going on right now, in within a week I have accepted my sexual behavior and fantasy more then in the past 15 years. I bought a collar to submit myself to the person I will trust the most and the one that will make me feel that I can give him this chance to honor me and my collar. To help a friend of mine I will publicly promote his website at the sex show in montreal. Am I afraid to do it? Yes! Why?For many obvious reasons, but deep inside there is something that pushes me to do it. Most probably to accept even more what I am and what drives me in bed.

I'm afraid of judgement, but what the hell, people should love and accept me the way I am. I'm still the person who you can talk to, trust, have fun with, and the most caring person. So what I do in my intimacy belongs to me. I dont judge people if they dont have the same opinions or the same envies as me. So they should not judge me.

Here is another big step for me, and I'm proud of it, it makes me stronger honestly....

Un ange suspendu!!

Je tenais absolument à partager ce moment que j'ai vécue samedi le 17. Mon corps et mon esprit crient encore de plaisir et en redemande. Je suis allé au loft, puis il y a un homme qui fesait de la suspension à une demoiselle. J'en avait tellement envie aussi, mais avec ma gène qui me paralyse parfois, je n'osais pas lui demander. Mais je regardais cette femme suspendu comme un ange, j'aurais donné n'importe quoi pour être à sa place, la personne qui m'accompagnait ce soir là, m'a suggéré d'y aller....

Il a du me mettre au défi pour que je m'approche gentiment de ce sympathique monsieur. Je me suis donc résigné à lui faire la demande. Oh! mais quel surprise il me repond positivement..Je suis complètement ébahie et un flot d'excitation m'envahie. Le moment venu je suis nerveuse, mais combien heureuse. Je lui fait confiance, même si je ne le connais pas, venant de moi c'est vraiment un exploit. Alors je m'abandonne à ses cordes.

Il discute avec moi, me rassure, me pose des questions, je ne vois pas le temps passé, puis je réalise que j'ai déjà un harnais sur ma poitrine. Il me demande de me laisser aller vers l'arrière, il veut vérifier si c'est trop serré pour moi et s'assurer que tout est en place. Je dois alors me laisser aller vers l'arrière comme si je tombais dans le vide...MOI me laisser tomber comme cela avec un inconnu, oufff. Il complète mon harnais au niveau des hanches et j'ai cette corde qui passe gentiment entre mes jambes, mais quel beau "feeling".

Je me suis retrouvée suspendu dos face au sol pendant je ne sais pas combien de temps, mais j'aurais voulu que ca ne s'arrête jamais...Ce sentiment tellement puissant d'impuissance et de liberté...epoustouflant. Je veux le revivre encore et encore....Je veux me sentir légerte comme une plume et ne plus penser à rien....

Cet ange qui s'envole, qui se soulève et qui domine elle même sa soumission sous ces cordes...Libère toi, non pas des liens mais de tes fantasmes non assouvies....

Love songs

Wow....I've been sitting in a Starbucks for the past 2 hours and the music is just great!! Love songs, old and excellent. It's giving me almost the envy to fall in love, but this time with the right one...
With all of this music playing in my ears I feel like there is something great in the air, just like a tornado of well being and calm...One more reason to love Starbucks, it gives me a chance to dream a bit of the white picket fence and all of the accomplishment and hapiness that comes along with the one you love...

Is there a bit of romantic feelings growing in me...no I dont think so. It's not growing, it's there, I just never really explore it....

Thanks to Sinatra, Armstrong, Cole you allow me to dream....

chocked!!!

Yesterday somebody really lost the minimum of consideration and my faith I had in us to be at least coworkers and maybe friends. Never in my life somebody treated me like this and one day he will pay for what he is. I sincerely hope so. You cant live your life being mean and have a rock instead of your heart without paying for it.

After we breakup in november, I have to say it was done in a poor way, I tought with time we could have a conversation and forget about all of this. But I guess not. Since he has move his office next to mine we ignored each other, and I cant do this to someone it's not fare. I'm a genuine person and I have a big heart, I'm able to forgive about anything if the person is true to me. I have tried yesterday to have a conversation with this person, so we can move foward and stop ignoring each other.

Well I was really stupid to believe that he would be receptive to it. He told me that he did not mind to have a businnes realtionship but as for the personnal one he did not care about. He told me as well that I never been anything to him anyways and that he had nothing to say to me. I flipped...I should of stay calm, but impossible. I would never do or say such things even to my worst enemy. I think everbody has something great down below...For the first time in my life I hate somebody and I will forever.

No way back for him, not even a slight of consideration from me, he is dead to me, he is a condescendent prick.

I'm so chock that somebody could be such an asshole. I have dealed with a lot of situation in my life and never somebody was that mean. I'm might be a bit naive to see good in everybody...But I have been like that all my life and it always been good to me.. I'll still think this way, I just had a proof that there is in this world people that is not worth my time....

Acceptation

Aujourd'hui j'ai fait un énorme pas face à mon évolution...Je ressens une libération inouïe, ma plus grande peur est d'être dominé totalement. Je n'ai jamais voulu porter un collier, il me fait peur...peur du jugement, peur d'être un animal de compagnie, peur de perdre mon identité, peur de perdre l'image de cette femme forte. Pourquoi cette crainte!!?? Parce que j'ai un égo et une fierté mal placé..

Après avoir fait quelques sites internet d'accessoires fétichistes, j'ai littéralement tombé sous le charme de ce fameux collier. Que c'est-il passé dans mon coeur pour bien vouloir me risquer d'aller le voir en boutique. Donc hier soir, j'ai demandé a mon accolyte si il viendrait avec moi, bien sur il accepta. À mon grand désarroi, car me connaissant je me laissais une porte de sortie, si l'envie n'y était pas de sa part, évidemment je n'aurais jamais mis les pieds seul à la boutique.

Donc ce matin, chemin fesant, je dois avouer que la nervosité s'emparait de moi. Bordel ce n'est qu'un collier!! me répètais-je...Nous arrivons à la boutique et j'ai les mains moites...je me suis informé sur le collier que j'avais vu sur le site web de la boutique. Une fois le collier dans mes mains, j'ai eu une libération, je venais tout simplement d'accepter entièrement ma soumission.

Je ne porte toujours pas le collier, j'attendrais le bon moment pour le faire..Il est beau, féminin et empreint de ma futur soumission entière. J'ai une envie certaine de le porter et de l'exhiber, mais aussi que quelqu'un en prenne possession...Mais le temps viendra et je sais que je vais en tirer un plaisir intense.....

Besoins vampiriques

Cette nuit je n'ai cessée de penser et de tourner dans mon lit, puis soudainement ma tête m'a jouée un tour...J'ai eu cette envie soudaine que quelqu'un me mordre...Qu'on me mordre le cou, les lèvres, les seins....J'adore cette sensation où je sens les lèvres de l'homme sur mon corps, toute douce ainsi que sa langue et soudainement...sentir ses dents qui pénètrent ma peau, qui me font mal, qui laissent des ecchymoses ou encore des traces de morsures...Je ne sais pas pour vous, mais je trouve cela très érotisant, excitant. J'ai l'impression que mon partenaire me veut à un point tel qu'il ne peut contenir cette envie de gouter à ma peau, si douce, si fragile...Je m'abandonne totalement à cette sensation de désir....

Je peux facilement imaginer mon partenaire me prendre tout contre lui, me prendre dans ses bras si fort, de m'embrasser, d'explorer les moindres parties de mon corps et au moment même ou l'envie monte en lui de me prendre, de me défoncer, ses dents viennent se poser contre ma nuque et je sens son souffle chaud qui est empreint de désir pour moi.....puis son membre de me pénétrer si profondemment que je ne peux rien faire d'autre que me donner à cet homme....

Définitivement je crois que ma nuit est signe que j'ai besoin de m'amuser....j'ai besoin d'assouvir un désir évident de m'abandonner....

Assise au Starbucks avec mon latté gigantesque qui me tiendra probablement réveillé toute la nuit :-s, je me permet d'écrire une deuxième fois aujourd'hui...il faut croire que j'ai un peu d'inspiration..ou de motivation!!!

Où en suis-je rendu dans mon cheminement de soumise...Hummm! Ai-je évoluer?? Je crois que mon évolution est lente, mais tellement plaisante. Je m'amuses vraiment à jouer avec mes faiblesses. Je me rends compte que je suis vraiment entêtée. Que je me bloque sur certaine chose de peur de dégager une image malsaine de moi. Mais plus le temps passe plus j'arrive à faire abstraction a ce genre de pensées. J'ai de plus en plus des scénarios de soumission qui me vienne à l'esprit, des trucs que je n'aurais jamais crus pouvoir même les fantasmer...

De plus en plus je sens que je m'abandonne vraiment, et quelle sensation de faire confiance à quelqu'un. De sentir cette douleur si apréciée sur mes fesses, mes jambes, mes seins, manquer de souffle, gémir de plaisir...Rien ne vaut cette perte de contrôle. Je l'adore, je l'admire, je la désire...Faite moi mal, faite moi peur, faite moi réagir, mon corps en redemande ainsi que mon esprit....

Rhéa laisse toi emporter par ce flôt de plaisirs infinis

Ordinary life by Kristen Barry

And I shed my soul, feel it kneeling down...
I'm clutching my faith, pull it tightly round...
You're moving your mouth but you don't make a sound...
But I feel the walls slowly tearing down...
Heel to toe takes you from my side...
In and out, every breath divides...
My eyes to your head,
I can't go the distance...
But when you go you take me in an instant...
In this life, I'll give it time...
Cause its always pushing up from behind...
It'll be alright, it will be fine...
Its nothing more than ordinary life...
And I show you my sins, show me all your scars...
As we settle in, its written in the stars...
Your watery eyes got me send me floating...
And my weak heart is swimming with devotion...
But in this life...
I'll give it time...
Cause its always sneaking up from behind...
It'll be alright, it will be fine...
Its nothing more than ordinary life...

This is for you...
Yes you, this little world I'm living in,
The one that makes me better,
The one that opens up my eyes to salvation
You the Born Dépendant Sufficient Master