Dancing

I use to take dance courses and I failed badly..Lol. I cant let go, really hard to lead me. Last night i was looking at two friends of mine dancing and it was just great and fun to watch, and suddenly something hit me. I clicked!! I know why I cant be lead, I need trust, I need confidence in my partner, just like in friendship or love. I need to feel as well that my partner is a real men, that he knows how to drive me...

Really weird, but when I dance I want to feel like a women, like if trough the dance my partner shows me how much he want me, and how much he his confident enough to lead me. That he is not afraid of my moves, that he will be able to still dance even if i get it wrong. That he wont be destabilise by me...

Now badly I want to dance again, I miss it a lot....

I know I can, with the right partner obviously...

Photoshoot

Just a little something meanwhile I wait for the rest of the photoshoot pictures. I'm already really happy about the outcome.

Vulnérabilité

Je me rends compte que je suis très vulnérable...et je m'ébahie ou encore je me morfond sur de grandes et de petites choses. Vous trouverez ici sur ce quoi je suis vulnérable...N'est ce pas se dévoiler simplicitement....!!!

Je m'ébahie devant un sourire d'enfant, je me morfond en me demandant si je serais une bonne mère. Je m'ébahie devant un paysage a couper le souffle et je me morfond à l'idée de ne plus jamais le revoir. Je m'ébahie devant ces couples amoureux et je me morfond en me demandent si un jour je vivrai un amour comme leur. Je m'ébahie devant une amitié sincère et profonde et je morfond de peut-être la détruire un jour. Je m'ébahie devant les échanges de pouvoir entre maître (esse) et soumis (se), je me morfond a constatant que je n'ai pas les même aptitudes.

Mais tout cela me remet en perspective et j'opte toujours pour le bon coté, de m'ébahir constamment, je suis parfois comme une enfant, j'ai le regard de ceux-ci dans les découvertes que je fait ou encore la naïveté et la pureté que les bambins dégagent..

Ma vulnérabilité est vécu par mes émotions que je ressens et j'aime être vulnérable..Je suis vulnérable devant le regard d'un homme qui me plait, je suis vulnérable en sa présence. Je deviens femme, je me laisse transporter, envoûter, désirer.. Je suis vulnérable à ses émotions comme aux miennes...N'est-ce pas une belle vulnérabilité...Je l'aime, je la désire et je marche avec elle...

Je ne suis pas faible, au contraire j'ai cette force de vivre avec cette vulnérabilité à mes cotés....

English posts

I'm sure a couple of you wonder why I write my posts in english...Well I realise that i have issues with my english and I do not have enough vocubalary. So i'm forcing myself to write and read in english. Sorry for those who has a hard time understanding english, I will eventualy go back to french.

éclair

Je suis dans un état d'esprit tout à fait merveilleux.......je n'en dit pas plus désolé :d

Bonne nuit

Thinking about Daddy!

I dont know if it's the lack of sleep that made think about my Dad this morning and the fact that I miss him a lot, but I have to talk about it. My dad and I we went trough a lot of phases, for a long time we did not get along, I was angry at him and was discusted with the way he doubt with some stuff. I could not believe that he raised me with wonderful values and he was the one not respecting them. I grew up and started understanding more what was life about and sometimes even if you believe in some values there is situation in life where it's hard to apply them.

Fot the past 5 years now I'm trying really hard to be close to him, it's not easy since he's a cold person to start with, but I know he loves me very much and would do anything for his little girl. I think sickness kind of brought us a little bit closer. He his now in treatment for leukemia, and I know he is a strong person and will fight this easily. But sometimes I wonder if what he did in the past and that he has a hard time to deal with, is getting back at him. I believe that when you have a strong feeling of cupalbility, this feeling will end up punishing you for what you've done. Dont give me wrong, I never wanted my dad to be sick, never. I love him so much. The good part in this, is that he realise a bit more there is true important stuff in life, such as the love for your kids. And I hope I'll have the chance to give him grandkids.

I have to admit that in the past couple of months I have not seen him a lot. Why? Because I feel bad for him, and I dont wnat him to know what I'm experimenting in my sex life now. He use to be a military police and he was quit rigid when I was a kid. I have the feeling I am betraying him. What would he think if he knew that i let myself dominate in bed. He would be devasted. Since i'm a poor liar and that everything shows in the reflect of my eyes, he will know there is something different. But are we really different me and him??? He's been with someone for the past 11 years and she is a control freak. She decides everything and as mush has he was a man of decision in the army and somebody to fear, he his now like a puppet with her. I'm not saying he is being dominated in bed, and I think I really dont want know, to much information it would be. But I think that domination in life or in bed there is a thin line of differences. He might be really happy like that, and i sincerely hope for him, but in my eyes i dont think so.

I have to find time to spent some with him, I miss him a lot lately, I wish I could just walk to him and be honest of what is going on right now. But I cant, just because I respect him so much and I would not want him to be disapointed at me. He did a great job raising me, and I strongly doubt that this is the type of life he wanted me to have. I'm happy in what i'm doing and my decisions I have taken in the past year, so as long as he sees that, he will be more then happy...

Love you dad, I miss you.

50 things I want to accomplish

I have a friend of mine (JP) that did a list of 101 things that he would like to do in the 1001 days. It kind of give me the envy to do the same. So you will find below 50 things I would love to do, or that I wish it could happen, in the next 3 years. I'll cross them off my list each day I accomplish one of it.

1-Take german courses (use to speak it when I was a kid)
2-Lose 20 pounds
3-Finish studying
4-Buy my first condo or loft
5-Travel again to Europe
6-Travel to Australia
7-Adopt a chocolate lab
8-Donate money to the CCFC (Crohn & Colitis Foundation of Canada)
9-Stop smoking definately ( this has to be done in within the next 2 months)à
10-Go back to the gym
11-Read more books
12-Allow myself more alone time
13-Get a massage every month
14-Start dancing lessons again (Tango, Salsa, Hip-Hop)
15-Donate to the breast cancer foundation
16-Pay bills on time
17-Be pregant ( Yes I wrote that)
18-Buy one pair of Manolo Blahnik
19-Take vacations with my love partner (when I'll have one)
20-Concentrate on family
21-Help my mom to get rid of her debts
22-Pay a trip to my dad for moose hunting up north
23-Trying to be less sensitive
24-Show my love more to people I care about
25-Get a cellphone
26-Have some chocolat from Geneviève Grandbois
27-Stop bitting my nails
28-Make love to somebody
29-Somebody makes love to me
30-oufff find the 20 others ones
31-Go to the cimatery to see my cousin and grand-parents (I know it's weird)
32-Keep being who I am
33-Have a hot chocolate at Juliette and Chocolat
34-Go to cinéma l'amour
35-Try watersports
36-Wear my collar
37-Give my collar to the one that will deserve it
38-Stop asking myself to much questions
39-Stop answering those questions with the wrong answers..:D
40-Subscribe to national géographic
41-Subcribe to photography courses
42-Buy a Nikon
43-Practice more my english and be completely bilingual
44-Visit my friends in Switzerland
45-Rent a chalet for a week
46-Stop of being scared
47-Buy albums to put all of my pictures
48-
49-
50-

I have decided that the 3 last ones, I want people to tell me what they should be! People that knows me will most probably put the finger on what is missing....