I dont know if it's the lack of sleep that made think about my Dad this morning and the fact that I miss him a lot, but I have to talk about it. My dad and I we went trough a lot of phases, for a long time we did not get along, I was angry at him and was discusted with the way he doubt with some stuff. I could not believe that he raised me with wonderful values and he was the one not respecting them. I grew up and started understanding more what was life about and sometimes even if you believe in some values there is situation in life where it's hard to apply them.
Fot the past 5 years now I'm trying really hard to be close to him, it's not easy since he's a cold person to start with, but I know he loves me very much and would do anything for his little girl. I think sickness kind of brought us a little bit closer. He his now in treatment for leukemia, and I know he is a strong person and will fight this easily. But sometimes I wonder if what he did in the past and that he has a hard time to deal with, is getting back at him. I believe that when you have a strong feeling of cupalbility, this feeling will end up punishing you for what you've done. Dont give me wrong, I never wanted my dad to be sick, never. I love him so much. The good part in this, is that he realise a bit more there is true important stuff in life, such as the love for your kids. And I hope I'll have the chance to give him grandkids.
I have to admit that in the past couple of months I have not seen him a lot. Why? Because I feel bad for him, and I dont wnat him to know what I'm experimenting in my sex life now. He use to be a military police and he was quit rigid when I was a kid. I have the feeling I am betraying him. What would he think if he knew that i let myself dominate in bed. He would be devasted. Since i'm a poor liar and that everything shows in the reflect of my eyes, he will know there is something different. But are we really different me and him??? He's been with someone for the past 11 years and she is a control freak. She decides everything and as mush has he was a man of decision in the army and somebody to fear, he his now like a puppet with her. I'm not saying he is being dominated in bed, and I think I really dont want know, to much information it would be. But I think that domination in life or in bed there is a thin line of differences. He might be really happy like that, and i sincerely hope for him, but in my eyes i dont think so.
I have to find time to spent some with him, I miss him a lot lately, I wish I could just walk to him and be honest of what is going on right now. But I cant, just because I respect him so much and I would not want him to be disapointed at me. He did a great job raising me, and I strongly doubt that this is the type of life he wanted me to have. I'm happy in what i'm doing and my decisions I have taken in the past year, so as long as he sees that, he will be more then happy...
Love you dad, I miss you.
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